


Where Does the Time Go?

by Lunaxx



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: ALS, Angst, Bittersweet, Bittersweet Ending, Flashbacks, Fluff, I'm sorry., Lots of Angst, M/M, POV changes from past tense to present in the end, Philosophy, Revelations, Sad Fluff, There is no smut, guess there is fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-09
Updated: 2016-05-09
Packaged: 2018-06-07 08:45:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6797173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lunaxx/pseuds/Lunaxx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry remembers how Louis slowly died. It's slowly killing him.</p><p>Or: Louis had ALS, and Harry is trying to move on.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Where Does the Time Go?

**Author's Note:**

> The title is from the song Where Does the Time Go by A Great Big World, if you want to listen it's a great song and it helped me write this.
> 
> Follow me on Twitter: @mykingissharry

Louis was someone you just wanted to sit and admire what he was like. He was a beautiful person, inside and out but how he met his end was nothing short of God playing an awful trick on Harry. At least, that’s how Harry felt. The days, months, years leading up to his inevitable death were filled with pain—pain Louis was never meant to feel. Harry couldn’t help remember it like it was yesterday, especially on days like this. Where the rain would hit the windows of the bus he was on, and the clouds seemed as gloomy as he felt, and there seemed to be nothing guiding him back to his empty flat. These days, there was nothing to do but remember. Nothing to do but think if there was anything that could’ve reversed it.

***********  
September 1st, 2014.

“Harry! What are you doing? We’re going to be late.” Louis shouted from their living room. Harry was still in their room in front of the mirror trying to get his tie centered under his collar. These things never co-operated with him and he always needed Louis’ help to finish dressing. Louis was an anomaly really, he was graceful, sassy, caring, and albeit annoying all rolled into a small body. He kept Harry grounded.

  
Before Harry could call to Louis for help, the small man was already in their room taking one look at Harry and clicking his tongue. With a shake of his head he walked forward, Harry silently turning towards him.

  
“Where would you be without me Haz?” Louis asked gently, his deft fingers going up to adjust Harry’s tie.

  
“Naked and not going to an open house for the new school you’re teaching at.” Harry admitted truthfully. “Probably still in that shitty flat—and not getting laid.” He added, with a grin.

  
Louis’ gaze drifted up, the corners of his mouth turning up to form a small smirk on his thin lips. One of his hands drifted up and he pinched Harry’s dimpled cheek.

  
“Cheeky.” Louis said simply, “And it’s not an open house really, it’s the teachers and administration all celebrating our last day of freedom before we give our time away to college kids who don’t know what they want to do.” Although the sentence was meant to show he was annoyed with losing his freedom from over the summer, Harry always knew he loved teaching.

  
Louis taught Sociology and Philosophy at the state university, and he loved it. He was always a deep person, one of the reasons Harry fell in love with him. They were both hopeless romantics and were always having deep conversations about the universe, death, life, and everything in-between, so Harry wasn’t surprised that Louis wanted to teach these subjects.

  
It should’ve been easy to predict, they had known each other since they started University, and had gotten together soon after. Now they were almost thirty and married, and nothing had changed. Louis was still a childish spirit, and Harry was still a big kid that normally couldn’t work his limbs to do the right thing. It was a match made in heaven. Really.

  
“Hurry, Hazza, we’re going to be late and Liam won’t let me live it down, remember last year? He always teased me about it, said it was a terrible way to start the year.” Louis muttered under his breath giving himself a once over in the mirror before moving out of their room swiftly. Harry followed after, listening to Louis’ complaints about Liam always being like a father figure even though they were practically the same age, and for him to finally get kids already with Sophia so Louis wouldn’t have to be treated like one.

  
“But you're little enough to be one, maybe you just trigger Liam’s paternal instinct.” Harry said offhandedly, which made Louis stop messing with the keys to their flat, and turn to send Harry an angry glare that teetered on the edge between threatening and looking like a disgruntled kitten, Harry wasn’t really sure, so he just gave a cheeky smile in return. Louis rolled his eyes in mock annoyance and quickly had their flat locked up as they made their way to the car. Harry watched as Louis’ graceful form swiftly slipped into their 2010 Ford Fusion, he would never understand how he got so lucky, but he didn’t have time to debate that in his head right now.

  
He quickly lowered himself into the seat beside Louis, and soon they were off towards the university, it wouldn’t take them very long. When they decided to move closer to the University, they had to take in both of each others’ job situations. Harry had worked in a Bakery before they moved, but Louis had a brilliant plan that he should open his own bakery. Louis’ reasoning had been that: ‘you’re great at baking, better than anyone else, why the hell /can’t/ you open your own bakery?’ and well, how was Harry suppose to argue with that?

  
He wasn’t, that’s the answer. So he did end up opening his own bakery shop, it was quite small, but it was enough for Harry. He had named it Tommo’s Tasties, which got the back of his head slapped, but also got him laid that night, so overall it was a good business decision.

  
“You know who else is going to be there? Nick fucking Grimshaw, god I hate that guy. Last year he tried smacking my bum, in public! Public Harry, I swear to God if I fucking see him-“ Harry silenced him by gripping his hand and pulling it into his lap, rubbing soothing circles into the back of his hand.  
“If you see him, you won’t do anything love. It’s going to be okay, this year is supposed to be fun, yeah?” Harry said gently. Louis could get riled up easily, it was just a part of his personality. He was an energetic man, loved dancing, loved moving, loved talking. He was a spit-fire and Harry loved it.

  
Louis hummed in noncommittal acknowledgement. It was only a few minutes later that Louis was parking and they made their way into the University, and down to the Lounge. It was decorated and many people were already there. It looked more like a going away party than celebrating the new school year. Needless to say, none of the teachers had such a positive outlook on the school year like Louis did.  
Louis was a natural people person, a true social butterfly. So graceful, and so beautiful.  
  
That was the last day that was completely carefree.

************  
Present Day - 9:00 am

Harry pulled himself out of the trenches of his mind and wandered out of the bus into the rain, that was now only a light mist—true England fashion he guessed. Harry tried to continue his days like he had before Louis…left. It was difficult, there was hardly any sunshine anymore. It was like the universe around him knew what he had lost, what it had lost, and was also in mourning. Harry moved in front of his bakery, a brutal reminder of something he lost, but he didn’t want to think of it that way. He knew Louis would hate that, and that’s what made it so hard.

  
He unlocked the front door to the bakery and entered, letting it shut softly behind him. It seemed gray inside even with the pink interior. Louis had told Harry to embrace his favorite color, and he did. The walls were covered in pink, with little cupcakes on them. It was quite cute and the kids that wandered in loved it, which their parents were quite thankful for.

  
Fortunately right now, the shop was still closed, and he took a seat at one of the many empty tables and stared down at his hands. They were shaking, he was terrified. He was alone. There had to’ve been someway to prevent this.

**********  
September 10th, 2014.

Things happened small at first, so small one didn’t notice them until they looked back and realized that was the day your loved one started to die. Louis had been busy a lot, going back and forth to classes that he had to teach, staying there for awhile to grade papers. It got to the best of people all the time, so when Louis dropped his favorite mug and watched it smash into the floor without trying to save it, Harry chalked it up to him being tired.  
When Louis had a hard time staying awake all the time, he told himself that it was because his job was wearing him thin, he was trying to so hard to do his best and it was tiring him out.

Harry wished it was the case, if he had only knew.

The thing that did it, the one thing that did it…Louis was a fit man. He had always been fit, he played football when they went to Uni, he had always been a fast little shit. They went to a club, ti was over the weekend, September 10th, Harry could remember it clearly—no matter how foggy his mind had seemed at the time. They were dancing, Louis grinding back into Harry, his small curvy body fitting perfectly with Harry’s tall and slim one.

  
It was getting heated, Harry’s lips trailing up and down Louis’ neck, but it soon turned into something completely different. Louis had instantly pushed Harry away, stumbling slightly. Harry, in his daze was confused that he had hurt him at first, but with a second glance and a shake of his head to clear his thoughts, he could tell that Louis was gripping onto his chest with a confused look on his face. Harry’s mind sobered completely after that and his hand gripped tightly around Louis’ small wrist and lead him away from the crowd of people around them.  
The club was loud, but once they got out back it was clear to Harry what was wrong. Louis couldn’t breathe.

  
“Louis?” Harry rasped out, worried. He had never seen Louis like this, and his eyebrows knitted together in confusion. Something was definitely wrong.

  
“I- Haz- I can.t” Louis struggled to find the words—the air—to speak, and it made Harry want to lose his mind because he didn’t know how to help.

  
“Louis, look at me please.” Harry begged, his voice still wrought with confusion, but Louis did as he was asked, his beautiful blue eyes meeting Harry’s. The same fear that Harry had shined within Louis’ eyes.

  
“You gotta calm down, I know it’s hard—“ Harry gripped onto Louis’ hand. “Try to breathe with me, and we’ll be able to move from this spot and get you checked out okay? But we both need to calm down, we can do that together yeah?” Harry spoke slowly, using his the low timbre of his voice to soothe his boy.  
It took a few minutes, a few agonizing minutes where Harry thought that it wouldn’t work and Louis was going to end up on the floor at any time, but he never let it show. His thumb continued to stroke gently at the back of Louis’ hand, feeling his heartbeat fluttering under his skin.

  
But, Louis finally caught his breath and Harry let out a sigh that he didn’t know he was holding. He was shaken, but not as much as Louis. Louis seemed to be a flurry of emotion, confused, shaken, scared, and sad. Harry wanted to make it better, but he didn’t understand what the hell just happened either.  
“Louis, Lou, what happened in there? Are you claustrophobic? What’s going on?” Harry asked, trying to keep his voice level, but at a time like this it was difficult. He had noticed Louis seemed off, and this just made it worse. It made him think about all the times Louis was tired, where he seemed to be frayed. Maybe this was a side effect.

  
“Harry, I don’t know. I don’t know, I think something’s wrong with me? I mean, I’ve been really tired for the past week, and I can barely pay attention to things going on around me, I drop things.” Louis said quickly, his voice low, shaking. Harry desperately wanted to hold him tight, but it wouldn’t help anything right now.  
“Do..do you want to see a doctor about it? Maybe it has to do with like…oxygen intake? I heard about if your brain doesn’t have enough oxygen it can make your body feel weird…” Harry asked. It wasn’t a good explanation, but it was something to offer Louis so he didn’t completely overthink any of this. This could be fixed.

Except when it wasn’t.

**********  
Present Day- 9:30 am  
  
When you have 20/20 hindsight, it sucks. It really sucks, and Harry hated it. Harry hated how wrong he was, how wrong the doctor was. How wrong everything was afterwards. He hated that he couldn’t change any of it. That was the worst part of it, looking back and trying to find answers when there simply wasn’t any. And the weight in his pocket didn’t help it any.

  
He folded his hands on top of the counter top. This was a regular routine. The overthinking, the wondering about what ifs and maybes. It sucks because your everything can be gone but the world continues to turn. The day the sun was taken from Harry, the world should’ve stopped. It’s the least it could’ve done for him, it’s what Louis deserved. He deserved the whole world stopping and mourning like Harry did. Like Harry is.

  
Before he can try and bring himself back into a stupor of memories, the door opened with a clang and Harry knew Niall was there. He stood up quickly from the table, and made his way to the back of the shop. He didn’t want the young Blonde to see him with tears on his cheeks. Not today, not now. It was too soon.

**********  
September 11, 2014

Harry was nervous to say the least, more so than Louis was which was a normal occurrence anyway. Right now it was for a different reason: Louis was exhausted again, and he really couldn’t manage being nervous at the moment. Harry played his bottom lip between his teeth as they sat in the waiting room. White walls, white speckled tile floors, a receptionist behind a sterile piece of glass that Harry almost ran his hand into because he thought it wasn’t even there. It was terrifying.  
Louis didn’t seem to notice Harry’s fraying nervous as his small head rested against Harry’s broad shoulder, his eyes slipping closed. Seeing Louis like this was frightening, his usual energy was dull, dying; and Harry didn’t know why. He couldn’t stop it, and he wanted for the doctor to desperately give him answers. Give them something.

  
It’s like the Doctor read his mind, because he walked through the door and called their name.

  
“Louis Tomlinson?” The man called out, standing beside a large oak door, holding it open. Harry had to shake Louis awake from his deep sleep, and made sure that he didn’t tip over when he stumbled up to his feet.

  
“Yeah,” mumbled Louis, as Harry guided him to the door and down a long hall of more doors like the first one, the only thing different was the black numbers painted on them. They were lead into a room with the number ‘6’ on it. It was a boring a room, except it had beige walls, a smudge in the far corner of the room from a shoe. It’s quite amazing what your mind can remember when it’s in overdrive.

  
The Doctor shut the door behind him, as Harry helped Louis up onto the bed, and Harry found a seat in the chair next to the bed.  
“What seems to be the problem?” He finally asked, and before Louis could get anything out, to make this seem normal; Harry spoke.

  
“He had a complete…asthma attack! We were in a club and he couldn’t breathe. That had never happened before, ever. He’s always been fit, he’s never had problems with his breathing—and I thought he was going to turn blue and die.” Harry frowned, his eyebrows knitting together form deep creases in his forehead. Louis sighed, but didn’t try to correct Harry, which was the worst because that meant something was wrong.

  
The doctor looked puzzled, but nodded along through Harry’s tirade. “You’ve never had problems with Asthma before, even as a child Mr. Tomlinson?” The man asked as his stethoscope was pressed to Louis’ back, indicating for him to take deep breaths.

  
“No, never.” Louis rasped out, as he took in deep breaths; his nerves were finally showing and Harry had to dig his nails into the palms of his hands so he didn’t jump up and hug Louis’ small frame.

  
“Well, from what I can tell, you’ve developed some type of Asthma. That’s not uncommon for people as they age to develop things they never had in their childhood, kind of like how children grow out of things, adults can grow into them. Yours is a bit more aggressive, it would be difficult to play any sports if you had trouble being in a club and dancing. I’ll get you an inhaler, but just try to take it easy. Take two puffs a day, one in the morning one in the evening. It opens the airways and helps make it easier to breathe.” The doctor explained as his pen glided over his clipboard.

  
It all seemed too clean to Harry, it all seemed to happen so fast. The doctor didn’t check anything else. Louis seemed to be put to easy, but he could see the emotion below his strong facade.

  
As the doctor handed them the prescription they both knew that it ended Louis playing football.

************  
September 30, 2014  
  
Everything that been fine, Louis had been using his inhaler, he seemed to be happier more alive. Harry was excited to see his little spit-fire come back, and since it was the ending of the first month of the school year Harry wanted to do something special for Louis. They hadn’t gone a date night since the little incident with Louis’ breathing, but that all seemed in the back of their minds now. It was gone, they fixed it. Louis was going to be fine, in fact he seemed so energetic sometimes that he would make himself clumsy.

  
It was peculiar seeing that Louis was always such a graceful man, lithe and quick. Completely different than Harry’s gangly clumsy form, but they fit perfectly together because of it. But, sometimes, Louis would seem like a shorter Harry, bouncing off of a wall like he didn’t have enough coordination to dodge around it completely. Harry ignored it.

  
He wanted to see one of the new movies that had came out, and Louis had been bouncing off the walls to see it too, it was one of the new Marvel ones. Harry can blame Louis’ old flatmate back in Uni, Zayn, on his Marvel addiction.

  
As Harry was getting ready upstairs, like he usually does, he heard a thump from downstairs. It was unusual because normally Louis was the one telling him to hurry up and coming up here and changing his outfit completely. It was their routine, but then it was broken.

  
“Lou? You okay?” Harry called down below as he headed out of their room only to round the corner to see Louis laying on the floor his hand up to his forehead, throwing out curses like no tomorrow.

  
“What the fuck?!” Harry shouted, as he knelt down beside Louis’ writhing form on the ground, and helped him sit up completely. “Lou? Louis, talk to me. What the hell happened?” Harry said, gripping onto Louis’ hand and moving it away from his forehead. There was an already forming bruise there. Why didn’t he just stop himself from falling? Harry’s gaze was intense, as he stared down into Louis’ eyes.

  
“Louis, you need to tell me what the hell happened. What’s going on?” Harry asked, trying to keep his voice level, but he couldn’t help the small shake in his voice. Louis shook his head, confused, his body visibly shaking.

  
“I don’t know, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. One second I was walking just fine but then I felt, like, my legs gave out. That was terrifying, Harry what the hell is wrong with me? It’s getting worse, what’s going on?” Louis asked, his high voice trembling a sob wracking through his body. All Harry could do was hold him in his arms tightly, but he had no answers. He had nothing to give to Louis why his legs would do such a thing, why his body was betraying him. Harry thought this had to be a dream, a sick twisted kind of nightmare that only seemed too real until you woke up in your own bed, sweat coating your skin but you were alive. Everything would be fine.

  
“I’ll call the doctor again, we’ll figure this out Lou. Do you still want to go to the movie? If not we can watch something here.” Harry mumbled into Louis’ ear, gently running his long fingers through the older man’s feathery hair.

  
“I-I just want to stay here. I want to go to sleep on the couch. Carry me.” Louis demanded through the small aftershocks of his sobbing. Harry smiled, that was the old Louis.

“Demanding.” Harry muttered, but picked Louis up in his arms easily, and carried him over to their couch sitting himself down and Louis on his lap. “We’ll watch a movie…” Harry mumbled into Louis’ hair as he grabbed the remote, his other hand gently rubbing up and down Louis’ arm, a simple gesture to show that it was going to be all okay. It had to be all okay, the world can’t be such a cruel place.

  
Before the T.V. even came on, Louis was asleep in Harry’s arms. With a sigh, Harry leaned back against the couch getting himself comfortable. It just had to be okay.

***********  
Present Day - 10:00 am

It really wasn’t okay, not this day. Harry was exhausted, and now he had to run this bakery with a smile—it was just hard to manage after everything. After almost a year of therapy and mourning, he thought something would’ve changed already. But, nothing was. Not yet. As Harry got his apron on and the ties tied behind his back, he headed to the front counter just as Niall was flipping the sign on the door to read Open.

  
The blonde boy turned back, his blue eyes meeting Harry’s green and the boy just smiled. Harry smiled back. It was a routine, that’s all it could be for Harry right now. Smile, smile back, ‘thank yous’, ‘come agains’; it was never ending.

  
“How are you, today Mr. Tomlinson?” Niall chirped as he was going back and forth about the bakery, making sure the place was clean before putting up the pastries in the glass case at the front. How was he? How was his day? Harry just wanted to climb into bed and not wake up right now.

  
“M’fine, thank you for asking Niall.” Harry replied, and he could see a brief flash of concern go through Niall’s eyes, like he understood, like he read Harry’s mind. 

“Yeah. Hope we have good business today.” He mumbled, keeping his voice neutral. Harry just nodded, there was nothing else to say.

**********  
October 12th, 2014  
  
It only got worse, multiple doctors said there was nothing wrong. Urine tests, CAT scans, MRI tests, and nothing showed up. Nothing was wrong but Harry knew. His baby was hurting, he was falling, and this is why he had to do this. They were in the store, Louis was having a better day today, there was no falling and his legs seemed sturdy underneath him—but that could all change in a split second.

  
Harry kept Louis’ hand in his at all times, afraid to let go. He felt terrible that they had to do this, but finally they came to a stop in front of their designation. Louis curled inward into himself, and he looked so vulnerable, so small. It made Harry’s heart twist inside his chest, but this was for the best. 

“Pick one.” Harry said quietly, and Louis’ frown deepened. Harry could see the wheels in the man’s head turning, probably on how to get himself out of this awkward situation.

  
“Harry, I’m thirty years old I shouldn’t need one of these.” Louis whined, Harry could tell it affected him, not knowing what was wrong with him and only having one solution to try and help him get through it until they found a solution.

  
“Lou, this is only temporary, you won’t need it forever, just until we figure out what’s wrong. What about the blue one?” Harry asked, pulling one down from the top, and Louis eyed it like a hesitant child, this was so new for him but it was needed. That’s all that repeated in Harry’s head, this was needed to make sure Louis didn’t get hurt.

  
Louis took the thing with trembling hands, it was painted and baby blue, almost as bright as Louis’ eyes. It fit him, better than the others. 

“I guess.” Louis sighed, defeated. Harry smiled sympathetically, he knew he would never understand the embarrassment, it wasn’t him going through this, but he was still scared shitless. Seeing his boy, the love of his life, going through this and being so scared; it hurt him more than anything.

  
“I can carry it if you want.” Harry offered, and Louis just sent him a death stare.

  
“My legs are the things that are affected, not my hands. Don’t start treating me different now Harold, I’m still Louis.” Louis reprimanded, and it ripped a genuine smile out of Harry, because it was true. No matter what happened; Louis would always be Louis. Harry’s bright blue eyed boy who he bumped into because the Universe willed it.

  
That was the day that Louis got a cane, and that was the end of Louis walking freely.

***********  
October 20th, 2014  
  
The days leading up to this one were quiet. Harry and Louis were content with how things were going, the cane was helping Louis get around, there were some near falls but Louis managed to keep himself up right with the blue cane. Harry was definitely thankful he convinced Louis that it was okay to have it.   Today was the beginning of the end, Harry never expected to hear what they were hearing. He never expected to want to curl inwards into himself, to try and hide and find some answers as to why this was happening to Louis. Why Louis?

  
Earlier in October, they had seen a doctor that ordered a muscle biopsy from the back of Louis’ calf. It had been a process to go through that’s for sure, it ached for awhile until it faded into the background and they fell back into a routine.

  
Until the doctor’s office called back and said it was urgent that Louis get back with them ASAP, and here they were. In front of a doctor that looked like a parent trying to tell that their child’s puppy just got hit by a car.

  
“What?” Harry choked out, the Doctor stared sympathetically at the two of them. 

“I said, it’s amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, or ALS. I’m sorry.'

 

There’s no cure for it. No, there isn’t, they said.

  
“So I’m going to die?” Louis was void of emotional, he paled.

  
Yes.

**********  
Present Day: 12:00 pm  
  
That had been the worst day of Harry’s life, at least he thought it had been. But everyday after that continued to be worse than other other. It never sank in that Louis was going to die, Harry remembered vividly, that he thought he was going to wake up from the nightmare everyday. He kept hoping, that when he had to wash Louis that it was just going to fade away at some point. That when he couldn’t move from their bed, that was because Harry and him were still laying in bed about to wake up to the morning and everything would be fine.

  
Harry’s days were boring now. They hardly had meaning, Louis would hate him for this, hate him for not moving on slowly but surely. He would hate that Harry was stuck in the same place the whole time. It passed by in a blur now, however many customers came and went it didn’t matter now. Harry stopped counting, stopped caring who came in after awhile.

  
“Um…Mr. Tomlinson?” He had the option to use his own last name, but could he ever forgive himself if he did that?

  
“Huh? Niall.” Harry’s gaze drifted over to the blonde boy, who looked disgruntled and it shocked a small giggle out of Harry—which left him stunned right after. “Um, what is it?”

  
Niall huffed, “I was wondering if you wanted to hang out after work, get pints afterwards. I’m going with some friends, think you’d like it.” He says it so nonchalantly, like it wasn’t the first time Harry has gotten asked to go out somewhere in ages. Like it wasn’t something earth shattering that just happened in Harry’s life that made Harry’s head spin.  
He had to make an effort for Louis.

  
“Yes.”

***********  
October 31st, 2014

Harry had done his research, he had looked up what living…or dying with ALS entails. What he had to expect, what Louis had to expect. It was halloween, but they weren’t going to do anything. Louis didn’t want to go outside, he didn’t want to do anything. They had spoken after the doctor’s appointment.

  
“Why doesn’t the world care Harry? They continue on with their lives, it’s all too normal, and here I am. I’m dying, and the world doesn’t stop. It just keeps going.” Louis huffed, staring out the window as Harry drove them back to their flat. How was Harry suppose to respond to that? Louis deserved the world’s attention, he deserved to be mourned, for people to cry about him,

  
“I care, boo.” Harry whispered, and Louis looked over with a pained expression.

“I know.” Was all he said that day. They didn’t talk much, because Louis went upstairs to sleep, cry maybe. But Harry needed to know more, but he kept getting distracted. There was that saying where ignorance is bliss, a part of Harry didn’t want to know what was going to happen to Louis.

  
Now, with nothing else better to do, he was sat in front of his laptop looking through the symptoms of ALS, and what to expect from the disease, he ended up on the ALS association’s website. What he read made his stomach churn.

  
“ _Motor neurons reach from the brain to the spinal cord and from the spinal cord to the muscles throughout the body. The progressive degeneration of the motor neurons in ALS eventually leads to their demise. When the motor neurons die, the ability of the brain to initiate and control muscle movement is lost. With voluntary muscle action progressively affected, people may lose the ability to speak, eat, move and breathe.”_

  
Harry wanted to throw up. It was terminal, it was progressive, and there was nothing they could do to stop it.

  
“ _The rate at which ALS progresses can be quite variable from one person to another. Although the mean survival time with ALS is three to five years, many people live five, 10 or more years.”_

  
Either way, Harry didn’t have long with Louis and it made him sick. It made him want to shove his hand through a wall and scream, shout to the heavens on why do this to Louis? Such a sweet man, someone who just wanted to learn, to teach. Why him?

  
“ _Gradual onset, painless, progressive muscle weakness is the most common initial symptom in ALS. Other early symptoms vary but can include tripping, dropping things, abnormal fatigue of the arms and/or legs, slurred speech, muscle cramps and twitches, and/or uncontrollable periods of laughing or crying.”_

  
Painless. They want to say this was painless? This was like pulling out teeth one by one without anything to help with the pain, wondering when it was going to be over and hoping at the same time it never would. He didn’t want to see Louis like this, but he knew no matter what happened it would still be Louis. It would still be his boy from Uni, and Harry would love him to the last second and even beyond that.

  
Harry shut his laptop quietly, and put his head in his hands, his elbows resting on his thighs. God this wasn’t fair. Louis was going to be taken from him, and it could be in a year, it could be in two, three. There was never going to be enough time to show Louis his love.

  
“Haz?” A small voice sounded from behind him, and Harry whipped around. He felt his cheeks burning, his eyes watering. Louis’ features changed from confusion to worry, and he stumbled across the room and throw himself at Harry, who barely had enough time to raise himself up and catch Louis in his arms.

  
“Lou, god I'm sorry.” Harry couldn’t help but choke out the words, he was so sorry. He loved Louis, and he couldn’t stop it. He couldn’t save him. Louis hands ran down from his hair to the sides of his face.

  
“Haz, babe, I know…but I’ve been thinking.” Louis mumbled, and Harry stared down at his brave brave boy. Louis pulled him towards the couch and they both flopped down to sit next to each other, Louis taking Harry’s hands in his.

  
“There’s no point in groveling, I’m dying. It’s…hard to even say without getting sick, but it’s the truth. But I don’t want to die doing nothing. I don’t want to die and have those funerals where everyone went to say the things they never said to me during my life. I’m going to continue teaching because I love it, and I want to experience everything. I’m going to travel with you because I’m not letting the last years of my life be dull. I’m—“ Louis choked on a small sob.

  
“I’m not going to let myself be put on a ventilator because that’s not how I want to be seen, I don’t want to live my life like that, no matter how close I am to death. What happens, happens. It is what it is, Haz. I just want to be with you the whole time.” Tears slipped down his cheeks, and Harry moved to brush them away. Harry stared at this man, the one he’s loved for so long, and has been married to for more than 8 years.

  
“Louis I would never leave you. I…respect your wishes, and I’ll try to make this the best damn time of your life, I swear.” Harry promised. He wasn’t going to break that promise.

  
“Good, because I want to have my living funeral while I can.” Louis said with a somber smile.  
********  
November 4th, 2014

It was early, they knew that. But you never knew with these things, if he was going to be alive six months from now. It took time to plan, to invite the people he loved the most. Liam Payne and Sophia (who was now pregnant, they just found out), Zayn Malik from Uni, Nick Grimshaw, Greg James, Stan Lucas (Louis’ longtime best friend), Niall Horan from Harry’s work, his family, and of course Harry was there. Louis didn’t want this to be a somber affair, he wanted it to be a celebration. He wanted people to tell him how they felt, so they were all on the same page.

  
There were so many stories and it seemed to pass by in a blur, Liam shared a story about that one time in grade school where Louis had dumped food onto him and it started an all out food fight within the cafeteria. Liam knew Louis had planned it because he also brought silly string and began using it solely on Liam, it was one of the best times of Liam’s life, and he thanked Louis.

  
“Thank you for teaching me to open up, and to let go of stuff, to have fun and to smile. If you hadn’t, I would’ve never met Sophia, I would’ve never been a teacher, and I would’ve never been this happy.” It was getting harder for Liam to speak. “I’m going to miss you man, I love you so much, you’re my brother.” Liam pulled Louis into a crushing hug, but it was one Louis appreciated.

  
“I’m gonna miss you too…well, wherever I’ll be.” Louis smiled up at Liam, and Harry had never seen the bigger man act like this. His face was red, and Liam Payne was brought to tears over Louis leaving, over the simple thought that they’ll never be able to see each other again.

  
“Maybe I’ll come back as a butterfly, reincarnation and all that.” Louis said weakly, trying to make Liam smile, and it worked. A choked laugh mixed with a sob echoed through Liam.  
It was Stan’s turn.

  
“You played football like an idiot before I got to you Tommo.” Stan said, and Louis’ face brightened as a grin spread across his face. “Mate, I remember when you came out to me for the first time, and you were crying. A proper mess you were. Do you remember what I told you?”

  
“It doesn’t matter what you shove up your arse, you’re still a pain in mine!” Louis echoed, with a laugh, taking a sip of the wine before him. They were all gathered in Harry and Louis’ flat…drinking and saying their goodbyes, and Harry was still having trouble understanding that this was actually happening.

  
“You always will be Lou. A pain in my arse, but I love you more for it each day.” Stan’s was simple, but it had Louis choking up, crying like before. It wasn’t bad crying, Harry could tell. There were crinkles by Louis’ eyes and a small smile played on his lips.

  
They all went down the line, hearing stories, memories, and they all told Louis how much they loved him, how much they’ll miss him, how much he means to them. Things you normally heard at a funeral, but Louis got it out of them whilst he was still living. Louis was many things, and that included being unconventional.  
It was Harry’s turn, and when he stood up silence filled the room. It was somber, and Harry felt so many things he had to get off of his chest, so many things he had to say but didn’t know how.

  
“Hazza?” Louis encouraged, and Harry cleared the lump from his throat.

  
“Um, hi.” Harry waved to the group around him. “I’m…I’m Louis’ husband, I..I’m going to start with how I met him.” Breathing out, Harry continued: “I met you in the toilet, when University had first started. I was running late for one of my first classes in business, and…well I ended up getting wee on you—still sorry for that by the way.” Harry looked up, and saw a fond smile cross Louis’ lips.

  
“I didn’t know that, that moment was going to be the one that defined my whole life forever. I had fallen completely and utterly in love with you the moment I saw you. You had the world by its throat and you were going to do great things, and god you have. I remember being so nervous because I wanted to just ask you on one date but I was terrified that you weren’t going to like me back, and when I asked you said—“

  
“You bloody idiot, it took you long enough.” Louis finished for him and Harry smiled softly at Louis and nodded.

  
“Yeah, that, and we stayed together. We’re still here, together. You’re my husband, and god, I’m terrified. I’m terrified of being without you because I don’t know what I’m going to do with my life afterwards. I don’t know what to do without you because I love you more than anything. I’ll miss our talks, the long ones, about the universe. About how somewhere out there, maybe something fated us together. Or that we’re all in the Matrix and once we die we wake up and we get unplugged because we reached some higher state of being.”

  
“Or that maybe we do get reincarnated, and I hope if we do you come back as the prettiest butterfly on the face of the planet because Louis Tomlinson that’s what you deserve. You deserve the best from this world, and you’re getting the worst. You deserve to have delicate wings as blue as your eyes, you deserve to be admired not just a simple insect but as one of the most beautiful beings a human can lay their eyes on.”

  
“You were that for me, Lou. You are the best thing in my life, you guided me to a home that I didn’t know I had, and that home is you Lou. I’ll remember you until the day that I die, and I hope in our next lives—if there is one—that we continue to live our lives together, and we can rediscover each other all over again. Because Louis, no matter what universe we’re in, what planet, what time, I will always find you, because you are my home. And I love you.”  
  
There wasn’t a dry eye in the house after that.

**********  
November 30th, 2014  
  
Louis had gone back to classes, but he couldn’t drive. His conditioned worsened slowly day by day, and he couldn’t will his foot to press the brake down hard enough in the car. He can’t drive anymore. Harry had to.

  
“I hate this.” Louis lamented losing his freedom. He just wanted to do the things he used to, Harry could understand that.

  
“I know, boo. But they’re still letting you teach. That’s a good thing. You can still teach.” Harry reminded and Louis huffed, but nodded.

  
“Yeah, I can still teach. But for how long?” Louis asked sadly. It was days like this, where Louis had trouble with dealing with everything. It was a valid question though, how long could he will his legs to even move from under him? How long could he sit up in bed? It shook Harry to his core but he had to be strong for Louis.  
“For as long as you need to. Even if you can’t come back to the school anymore, you can teach me. I’ll listen. I don’t know much of the stuff anyway.” Harry said, giving no room for argument. Louis couldn’t help the smile that tugged at the corner of his lips.

  
“Okay.” He said quietly, and reached over to grasp Harry’s big hand in his. They fell into a comfortable silence.  
  
************  
Present Day - 1:00 pm  
  
Only three more hours until the shop closed and Harry couldn’t be more proud of himself for actually staying the whole day. The shop was small and Niall wasn’t the only one who worked there, he could’ve easily left like he had the days before but something felt different. The world felt different, a little lighter. He wasn’t sure if it was Niall asking him to come out with friends, or if it was because of the weather shifting. A weight had been lifted, he had yet to figure out why.  
He looked up to see a customer standing in front of the counter, and he had been staring into space the whole time. Damn him!

  
“Oh, um, sorry, I didn’t mean to space out.” Harry said, but finally got a good look on who was standing in front of him. It was Sophia, Liam’s wife, and a child who’s name was none other than Lewis. Sophia had named him after Louis after he demanded that the child have some likeness of his name. Sophia was happy to agree, Liam on the other hand was afraid that their kid would end up being a troublemaker like Louis had been when they were younger.

  
“Oh! Sophia, hello. I’m sorry.” Harry said quickly, but she just smiled at him sympathetically. “What can I get you and Lewis today?” Harry grinned, no matter how he was feeling children were able to force real smiles out of him often.

  
“The usual, two chocolate muffins for us.” Lewis had to’ve been around a year and a half now, maybe even more—it was hard to keep track when he didn’t get to see Lewis all the time.

  
“‘Course.” It was easy enough, the order was done with and placed on the table in under a minute.

  
“Harry, I…Liam and I miss you a lot, and we would like to be able to see you again soon, okay? Don’t be alone forever, you know Louis would’ve hated that.” Sophia said softly, not smiling anymore. All Harry could do was nod, if he opened his mouth he would cry.

  
“We’ll see you later Harry.” Sophia said, and swiftly left just as quickly as they both came. It was a whirlwind to see people he used to know so well, but after Louis…left, it’s been difficult. He needed to try, he agreed. He needed to try.  
*********  
December 24th, 2014

It was Louis’ birthday. He had gotten weaker by the day, and after him stepping off the pavement with his cane and not being able to get back up easily out of the road, they switched to a walker much to Louis’ dismay. But it was bright blue just like the cane had been, so it wasn’t as bad. Right now, Harry was cooking for Louis, their whole flat on the inside was decorated in yuletide cheer. Of course, Harry did most of the work and almost threw out his back, but it was worth it to see Louis’ eyes shine every time he looked at the Christmas tree.

  
Louis was sitting down in the living room watching the Television as Harry finished the Lasagna, something Louis requested for his birthday this year. Harry carried both of their plates in, Louis sipping on his tea still under a mountain of blankets.

  
“Dinner’s ready boo.” Harry coo’d to him, and Louis smiled, laying his mug on the table off to the side of the couch as Harry handed him his plate.

  
“What would I do without you? Don’t answer that.” Louis warned before taking a huge bite from his food and sighed contentedly. “I’m really gonna miss this you know, I’m going to miss you.” Louis began, and he saw the tears streaming down his face and his eyebrows furrowed.

  
“My emotions are all over the place Hazza, and I know that’s a side effect to all of this ALS stuff…but it’s so hard to control something. I’m sad right now, really sad, and it’s my birthday. I don’t want to leave you alone, I really don’t. I’m so sorry Harry, I love you.” Louis cried out, and Harry leaned over, moving their plates to the side table and took Louis in his arms, squishing his face to Harry’s chest.

  
“Don’t be sorry, it’s not your fault. I’m scared too, but it’ll be alright. It’ll be okay, I love you too and I always will. Never gonna leave, Lou.” Harry mumbled into his hair, and Louis sobbed into Harry’s shirt. 

“But I _am_.”

  
Harry knew that.

They did finish their Lasagna, and Louis got out of his stupor when he got his present. It was a necklace, one that Harry normally wore. It was simple silver chain with an airplane charm hanging from it.

  
“So you don’t feel as alone, yeah? I’m always with you.” Harry whispered, kissing Louis’ temple gently. Louis never took it off.

***********  
Present Day - 4:00 pm  
It finally time to get out of there, but Harry wasn’t lucky enough to drag himself to his flat and fall asleep in his bed alone.

“Come on Harry, the bar is right down the street, they should meet us there soon.” Niall said and Harry couldn’t just not go, he said yes to his face. He needed a drink anyway. He let Niall drag him to a nifty looking bar that was two blocks from the bakery.

  
“See a nice place, right?” Niall said and Harry nodded with a small smile on his face as Niall lead them to a booth. There was a low hum of people speaking, not many people were here since it was four in the afternoon, but enough to make the place feel comfortable and homey.

  
“Harry, can I talk to you about something?” Niall asked and Harry hummed in acknowledgement, glancing up from the table. He was making a habit of spacing out, and he needed to stop that. He could feel Louis’ eye roll from it already.

  
“Look, I know losing Louis was hard, is hard, but you can’t keep letting yourself die slowly like this. You go home straight after work, and I know Sophia and Liam miss you. I miss you. I know you keep thinking about it. I wasn’t around to see what happened to him throughout the whole thing because I wasn’t as close to you guys as I wanted to be, but..I can see you’re thinking about it. If you need to, you can talk about it.”

  
Harry stared at him, shocked at how blunt Niall was being about Louis being gone. How he knew that Harry blamed himself each and every day, and that he had stopped living his life completely. He guessed it wasn’t hard to tell, he lost weight and was hardly seen outside of his flat unless he had to go grocery shopping or go to work.  
“You want me to tell you about it?” He asked incredulously. Niall heaved a sigh, and gave Harry a nod.

  
“it’s better than suffering and living it all over again in your head alone. Talking about it could help, and not like talking to a professional…just with a friend.” Niall mumbled, obviously embarrassed that he did this, nervously chewing on his bottom lip. Harry thought about it for a moment, and what exactly did he have to lose?

*********  
January 2nd, 2015

After the New Year, Harry noticed Louis was getting weaker and it was even more of a trek for him to go to class all the time, even with his walker. His already small body had been shrinking his muscles atrophying even if he used them. His normally thick thighs had started to wither away despite how much walking he tried to do.

  
It became too much, and they had both come to the realization that he couldn’t work anymore, he couldn’t teach. It killed Louis more than the sickness seemed to.  
“No! This is what I do Hazza, this is what I do! I teach, I teach sociology and philosophy dammit! I’m not suppose to be staying here! I need to go out! I need to do something!” Louis’ body didn’t agree with that statement, because he was week. His form of ALS was one of the more aggressive ones it seemed, and his time was running short.

  
“Teach me, Lou. Teach me about people, yeah? I want to know.” Harry said as he brought up a chair next to Louis’ bed, where he was sitting up against the headboard his arms folded indignantly across his chest. He huffed and looked like he was thinking about entertaining the thought. One look at Harry’s pouting face, and Louis gave in.

  
“Fine, I’ll teach you, but you have to listen to me. We’ll talk about a lot of things. Family, Life, Love…Death. All of it.” Louis said motioning wildly with his arms.  
It was like University all over again, their long metaphorical talks, except Harry had to make up his own questions.

His first question was:

Why did the Universe want one more star to go out?

**********  
February 1st, 2015  
  
January passed like that, Louis moved around the flat easily enough. But when February hit the direness of their situation set in when Louis stumped trying to get out of the bed that morning. Harry had been sleeping beside him soundly, but a loud thump startled him awake. Seeing that Louis wasn’t in bed beside him, he instantly was up and almost tripped over the form on the ground right below him.

  
“Lou, what the fuck?” Was all Harry could manage as he helped the man up and set him back into the bed with a frown. His legs looked even worse, studying them now, Harry hadn’t noticed how much they had deteriorated until now.

  
“I can’t…my legs..” He was choking on a sob as he tried to explain, but Harry didn’t need to hear anymore.

  
“It’s okay, we’ll get help boo, we can get help. We can get a wheelchair okay? It’s better than you sitting in this bed all day.” Harry smoothed Louis’ hair.

That had ended Louis walking at all.

*********  
February 20th

Harry could tell that Louis was getting annoyed with the chair he was given. It wasn’t black like a normal chair though, Harry made sure it was blue again, for him since it was his favorite and it fit him so well. Louis’ legs were practically useless now, and he hated it. Louis continually complained about it, but he didn’t let it dampen his spirit. It was amazing to see the amount of energy Louis continued to try and have.

  
“I really just want to go to the park, we need to talk anyway. Maybe we’ll see some birds out there too.” Louis said as he rolled into the living room, Harry having been going over medical bills. It wasn’t too great, considering the wheelchair actually cost a lot of money, and the annual doctor’s visits were running up into the thousands. The scans they had gotten in the beginning were still weighing them down, but Harry could never turn down time with Louis. His time was limited. 

“The park? We can walk down there then, it’s not too far. Think we could use the air.” Harry agreed and quickly walked over to get his coat on, and grabbed Louis’ grey beanie and plopped it onto his boy’s head.

  
“You good, love?” Harry asked and Louis nodded smiling up at him, wide awake at the moment—which was surprising. Today was a good day so far. Harry rolled Louis out of their flat, and down the sidewalk. The day was relatively quiet, and not many people were out. The sun was brightly shining, and Harry couldn’t help scowl at the sky. It didn’t fit. Louis was dying and the sun decided to shine like it wasn’t about to lose one of the stars around it.

  
“Harry, you don’t look good with a scowl on your face love..” Louis’s soft voice drifted up to him and he looked down to see Louis’ head leaning back and staring up at Harry. He flushed and quickly smiled down at Louis.

  
“Much rather see your dimples like that, yeah?” Louis said weakly, and reached up and poked Harry’s cheek, where his dimple would be.  
“Yeah, Lou.” Harry nodded his agreement as they made it to the grassy fields that started the park. The park was huge, and there was a jungle gym off to the side, and fields around it, a pond laying in the middle of the field which normally held ducks in it that really liked to be fed. Harry wheeled Louis over to the side of the pond, the water was murky but with the light reflecting off of it, it made it look like dull glass.

“It’s really pretty out here, Hazza..” Louis mumbled, sounding like a child mesmerized by something they’ve just seen, but he’s seen this millions of times. He never lost his childish enthusiasm.

“Not as pretty as you Lou, promise.” Harry grinned cheekily over at Louis, and dodged the weak punch Louis had started to throw at him and quickly plopped himself down beside the wheelchair. 

“You’re cheesy Haz.” Louis muttered leaning his head back to stare up at the bright blue sky. Harry stared up at the picture before him, Louis’ head tossed back, with the back drop of the sky right above him. He wished he could just freeze the picture there, keep Louis like that forever. Before Louis could move, Harry quickly snapped a few pictures on his phone for when Louis wasn’t around.

“Do you want to feed the ducks?” Harry asked, but Louis shook his head and just let out a sigh. 

“I need to ask you to do something for me Harry.” Louis muttered weakly, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth, like he was unsure of how to ask.

“Anything.” Harry said gruffly, staring at Louis with a deep intensity. He would do anything for him.

“You know, on the website you showed me, it said..when, when people with ALS get closer to their death…their breathing is affected, well I—“ Louis gulped, hesitating. “I don’t want to be put on a ventilator..when that happens. Like, I don’t want you to get scared and freak out when I stop breathing. I don’t want to…I really don’t want to suffer like that.” Louis heaved a heavy sigh.

“If that happens, just hold my hand and let me die please.” Louis mumbled, and Harry felt like his throat was constricting, like he was the one that couldn’t breathe. Let him die? Was that really what Louis was asking him to do? Sit there and let it happen?

“Lou, I—“

“ I know it’s a lot, Harry, you don’t have to answer me, it’s just…that’s not living you know? It wouldn’t be me if I didn’t ask that of you.” Louis explained, and Harry had to give that to him.

It wouldn’t be Louis to live like that.

*********  
Present Day - 5:00 pm

Niall frowned at Harry, staring at him—which made Harry feel uncomfortable; scrutinized.  
  
“I heard…he didn’t last very long, Harry.” Niall mumbled, and it felt like Harry’s heart was being ripped through his chest. It was true. Louis didn’t last a year. He didn’t last until his next birthday, and Harry hadn’t known for sure that what he was doing with Louis would be the last things he would ever be doing with him ever.

“Yeah.” Harry choked out his answer, his throat hurt. He was much too sober. He only lasted to May. May 25th, 2015, and the days leading up to it were peaceful—which was the worst.

***********  
March 1st, 2015  
  
The day Louis’ arms started to fail him. His legs were practically nothing from them not being used at all, but now his hands and his arms were having trouble coordinating themselves. He had twitches in his fingers and his hands that made him drop things, his arms would get weak and he would say he couldn’t roll himself around the flat. It was slow, Harry hated that it was slow. He hated that Louis had to go through this, so slowly. Lose everything only to see himself end up in a bed.

It came to a head today.

“Just fucking shoot me! I can’t deal with this, Harry! I can’t do it. ‘M wasting away!” Louis screamed, his voice was as strong as ever, but his mood was changing so drastically most of the time. 

“Louis, stop you don’t mean that—“

“Like hell I don’t! Harry look at me! I can’t even fucking move my legs! I can’t do anything for us, I can’t do anything! I’m a cripple, and soon I’m going to be a dead fucking cripple in that god forsaken bed!” Louis screamed, his eyes brimming with hot angry tears, as Harry walked towards where he was situated in the bedroom. This had all started because he couldn’t get a grasp on a pen quickly like he used to.

  
Harry bent over and picked the pen up off the ground along with the pad of paper Louis had been trying to write on and set it down on their nightstand and came over to kneel in front of Louis, his hands going over his thin thighs and then up to grasp his hands.

  
“We both knew what was going to happen, and I said I was going to be here through all of it, because I love you…” He gripped both of Louis’ hands tightly in his own. “I won’t be going anywhere, and I’m not going to shoot you because you deserve to live as long as your body will allow you because you’re still important.”  
Louis took one of his hands back to wipe at the tears and stop them from running down his cheeks.

“I’m scared Haz, I don’t want to die.” He whimpered, and Harry’s heart shattered into a thousand little pieces. He came to the realization again, he couldn’t stop death. Not this kind.

“I know. I don’t want you to either.” He whispered truthfully, that’s all he could say.  
*********  
March 15th, 2015

Louis’ worst fears came true too soon for the both of them. Harry woke up with Louis beside him, still breathing on his own thankfully, and sat up. He sighed, and swung his feet off the bed and wandered towards the bathroom so he could freshen up. He had just started the shower when he heard a week voice call out to him, one that got more frustrated and terrified as he said Harry’s name again.

“Harry!” He practically shouted, voice laced with confusion as Harry ran out of the bathroom half naked now, as he stared at Louis barely moving underneath the covers.

“Lou, what’s wrong babe?” Harry came over quickly and threw the covers off of him and turned him onto his back easily, and Louis let out a gasp, his chest heaving terrified. 

“I..I can’t move…I told you I was really weak yesterday, you had to move me and all that, but my back feels weak, I can’t sit up, I feel like I’m trapped, Oh my god—Harry help me.” Louis sounded panicked, and Harry couldn’t blame him, his chest heaving with deep heavy breaths and wretched sobs being ripped out of him.

“Louis, please, it’s okay, here I can sit you up, okay?” Harry gently wrapped his arm around Louis’ back and lifted the man’s upper body up so he was sitting up and Louis gulped down the tears that tried to flow. 

“Lou, you need to calm down, you need to try and breathe. I got you..” Harry whispered into his ear and sat down on the side of the bed next to Louis. 

“God, Harry, it’s happening too fast. I can’t do anything—God Harry I’m sorry—I’m so fucking sorry I can’t stop it. I’m so fucking scared, I can’t stop this.” Louis cried out, like he made a grand revelation—and maybe he did. 

“Louis..I—it’s going to be okay. It’ll be over, and you won’t have to be sorry. It won’t be your fault, I promise.” Harry kissed the top of Louis’ head. It was sad the only thing that could comfort Louis now, was his own death.

*********  
The days all seemed to blur together now, Louis couldn’t move from the bed, and Harry couldn’t go to work because of this. But Louis didn’t want an in-home care person, and Harry understood that. He wanted to stay with Louis for as long as he could so he had Niall take over the shop. Harry stayed home and cared for his boy. Dignity was far gone for Louis now, and it was difficult to watch unfold. He couldn’t dress himself, he couldn’t go to the bathroom himself, he was too weak to even get up and move to the toilet so he had to use a bottle to wee in.

  
Harry had to wash him, feed him, had to get him everything and Louis obviously hated it—but couldn’t really protest. Louis seemed to have good days, and bad days as everyone with ALS did. He would be able to move his hands easier than some days, or others he was so tired he couldn’t even shift to get Harry’s attention.  
There were many times Harry thought it was the end, where Louis’ breath would stutter just slightly, and Harry would cling to him for dear life. Louis was asleep whenever this happened, and Harry thought he was going to slip into death silently, and Harry would just have to hold him through it. It would be painless. 

They hadn’t seen their friends for a long time, Louis made himself a recluse after he had to be confined to his bed everyday. He didn’t want his brother Liam to see him like this, or his best friend Stan to see the once physically fit Louis wasting away into nothingness. Harry tried convincing him that it was okay, that they would love him, but he just didn’t want it.

“Let them have a good image of me, for when I die. I don’t want them to think of me like this. I don’t want that to be the last they saw of me.” Louis explained weakly, as he was staring at the television that Harry had moved into their bedroom. Harry could understand it, it wasn’t him who was going to die, only a huge part of him. 

Another day, Louis got philosophical again:

“Harry, like you said I want to be a butterfly, and I think…that when I’m born I’m going to come all the way back you know? It’s that soulmate pull. I think I’m going to come back to you and tell you it’s alright…however a butterfly would do that.” Harry smiled at the thought, how crazy it could’ve sounded to someone outside of their bubble, but to Harry that was just normal. It sounded nice, it sounded like something Louis would do too. Make a grand entrance no patience in sight. 

“I’d like that, sit right at the door of the flat and wait for me to let you in. Hide something in the flat for me to find, that only you could point out.” Harry winked at him, and Louis rasped out a small laugh with a small jerky nod.

“I’ll do that, I can do that.” Louis nodded happily, and with the twinkle in his eyes Harry had the inkling Louis already did just that.

*********  
May 24th, 2015.

It was a bad day. Louis didn’t want to move, or really couldn’t. He was completely tired, he hardly spoke and he didn’t even watch Television. He just laid there, barely breathing and Harry’s gut twisted. He felt like he was going to get sick. This wasn’t suppose to be how it ended, not like this. Not with Louis lying on his back waiting, wasn’t there suppose to be a big explosion? Something to let the world know.

  
All Harry could do was grab his phone and slide into the bed beside Louis and wrap his arms around him and bury his face into Louis neck, listening to his weak heart beat. Harry thought Louis knew too because his fingers twitched against Harry’s skin.

“I love you Haz.” He rasped out, and Harry just nodded.

  
“I love you too Louis Tomlinson, you are my everything.” he whispered and kissed Louis’ temple.

They both just knew.

********  
May 25th, 2015

Harry didn’t sleep, he just waited. Louis was asleep, and he wasn’t going to wake him up. He watched the rise and fall of his chest become slower. There was no explosion announcing that he left ,there was no earth shattering moment. There was nothing but a peaceful stuttering of his chest, and then the last traces of air expelling from his chest as his body finally gave up.

  
Harry couldn’t feel anything, his chest tightened, as all he could do was dial 911, and tell them what had happened. Once the phone call was done, Louis just laid there. Looking utterly too peaceful the energy gone from his face, that magic spark was gone.

  
Harry gripped onto his clammy hand and squeezed, he couldn’t help the tug in his chest. He knew that’s what Louis wanted. To go peacefully, to not be put on a ventilator but it hurt so much. He felt the tears well up in his eyes and he cried, never letting Louis’ hand go until the paramedics came and entered the room.  
They took his body away on a stretcher.

Harry didn’t know anymore.  
*********  
May 28th, 2015

Harry had let everyone know the days following Louis’ passing, about his death. It had hurt, but they had to plan the funeral. Louis’ family would come, Harry’s family, Liam and Sophia, Stan, Greg, everyone that was affected by Louis would come. He just had that pull on people, he left his mark on everyone he ever met.  
The funeral was a private affair, even though Harry thought the world should just stop for Louis, he was gone and everyone needed to know it. 

“Harry? Do you want to say anything?” The pastor had asked as the casket was ready to be lowered into the ground. Harry stepped forward staring at the casket, not at anyone else. His words were not for them.

"Lou, I told you everything before this, that’s why you had that living funeral. I just want to let you know, that if you do become a butterfly, the door is always open. I just…” Harry sighed and looked up at the sky that started to grey. “I’m scared as shit without you.” He fished in his pocket and took out a toy butterfly, those kind that look real, and laid it on top of the casket its wings slightly fluttering in the wind.

  
Harry took a step back away, and put his arms behind his back latching his hands together. The casket was slowly lowered into the ground, nothing but the wind making sound as it rustled through the trees that surrounded the cemetery. As the casket was lowered and buried, all Harry could do was just stand there.

It had taken seven months and 15 days to take such a strong life. Seven. Months.

***********  
Present Day - Now

Harry leans back against his chair and stares at Niall, who looks overall dumbfounded by the entire story, if a little bit emotional. Niall shakes his head and wipes at his eyes before anything can escape them. Harry doesn’t want to admit it ,but he feels better he had suffered so long without telling anyone how he felt internally that, it seemed normal to feel that way. But now he has someone.

“Harry, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t notice sooner. Haz, god, I’m here for you. You need to talk to someone, I’m here.” Niall’s hand reaches out and grips onto Harry’s and Harry didn’t want to pull back, so he didn’t. Harry smiles up at Niall, a true smile, and nods. He has been having a lot of ‘true smiles’ today, and it was something he could get used to.

  
‘It’s not your fault, I just, I thought that I could handle it on my own. Keep all of that inside, remember him. Every part of him—he deserves that much, but I’m doing it in the wrong way.” Harry says and stares at Niall, and Niall smiles, gripping onto Harry’s hand tightly.

“We should do this again sometime then yeah? It’s fun…maybe you’ll relax even more, but I think for now we should probably leave. I didn’t want to be out for a long time, anyway. You live close to here right?” Niall asks and stands, helping Harry to his feet. Harry nods to him and the both walk out of the bar into the cold night.

  
“I can walk home alone tonight, but thank you Niall. I…really want to do this again.” Harry mumbles, and Niall grins at him.

“Me too Harry, I’ll see you tomorrow at work. We can plan something then.” With a wave, Niall walks off in the opposite direction of Harry’s flat and with Harry’s long legs it doesn’t take him that long to walk the two blocks from his bakery to his flat. There was something different though, about everything. He still couldn’t understand it, everything was lighter.

  
Before Harry could get his keys out to open his door, he notices something on the doorknob and it shocks him to his core. On the doorknob, was the most beautiful thing he has ever seen. Its wings were a deep bright blue, fanning out into a light baby blue, met with black lining.  
A blue butterfly was sitting on his door knob, and his heart almost stops.

  
Without a word the butterfly floats off of the door knob, and Harry quickly takes that as reason to unlock and open the door to the flat as quickly as possible. Once he does the butterfly floats into the flat, floating through the rooms like it had a sense of where it was going. Harry closes the flat door behind him and follows the damned thing straight into what used to be Harry and Louis’ room, but now was just Harry’s. It lands on the lower left dresser drawer’s handle.  
Harry moves to open it, and once he does he sees something he didn’t expect. It was a box, a wooden box in the drawer Harry never used because he saw no reason to. Harry’s shaking hands pulls the box out of the drawer and sets it on the top of the dresser. The butterfly lands next to Harry, unmoving as Harry opens the box.

  
Inside were things from every moment of their relationship. The invitation to the live-funeral, pictures of them, a flower Harry recognizes from the park. Underneath it all, was a neatly folded piece of paper.  
Harry’s insides churned, but he picks it up anyway and slowly unfolds it. In shaky messy handwriting, it read:

_Haz,_

_If you’re reading this, that means I came back and that maybe my philosophy class wasn’t total shit. I don’t know what I am, maybe I’m a cat, or a dog. If I’m really lucky, maybe I’m that butterfly that I always said I wanted to be. Or you actually looked in that drawer you never used…_  
_Regardless, if you’re reading this, that also means I’m, y’know, gone. That’s weird writing this, as if I’m dead and you’re still alive—because you know that’s not how we planned all this going. It’s really hard to write by the way, you should know that I’m doing this for you._  
_You said everything you wanted to at the live-funeral, but I don’t think I did. I’m going to miss you, a lot more than you think. I might be dead after this all, but I’m going to miss you no matter what. You’re not going to be alone in missing your other half._  
_Secondly, I’m terrified. Right now, as I write this, I can feel myself weakening and it’s so hard to deal with. Not being able to control your body, and having to be stuck in this wheelchair. I’m just glad my arms still work right now…I know someday they won’t. I don’t know how long that will be from now, maybe I lived three years, I’m not sure._  
_Thirdly, this is really hard to write too but knowing you you’re probably still kicking yourself over me..leaving. Haz, I really do want you to move on from me. It’s cliche to write this, god, but it’s true. You don’t owe me anything, the world didn’t, but I’m so glad that you got to touch me, and that I got to touch you for the time I was on this earth with you. Harry you deserve to be happy, no matter who you end up with._  
_Lastly: That means you have friends too, Harold. Liam and Sophia, Stan really liked you too. And that Niall kid, he was a nice lad. You don’t need to push them away. You’re strong but with other people you’re even stronger. I promise, I learned from experience that if you have someone with you, you’re stronger than you ever thought possible. You made me stronger, even as I lost my ability to be strong for myself. I’m sorry this happened, but I’m not sorry I met you, and I’m not sorry I loved you._

_Yours,_

_Louis W. Tomlinson_  
_p.s. I left instructions on how to tie a tie for whenever you need it, you were always shit at it anyway._

_p.p.s. get a dog and name him Sparky. always wanted a dog._

Harry stares at the letter for a long time, unsure on how to process it. He glances over to the butterfly who sits on the dresser flapping its wings slightly, impatiently.  
“Thank you.” Harry choked out, and the butterfly flapped its wings lifting itself up into the air and floated towards the slightly cracked window, and made its way out. Harry stared as he watched the butterfly disappear into the open world, like it didn’t just completely turn his around. Harry slips the letter back into the box. It was a showy exit, a last curtain call.

He was still Louis.

**Author's Note:**

> Yup, that's it. That was an emotional joy ride to even write. I hated myself through most of it to even put them through this kind of pain, but this was the result. Thank you for reading, and enduring this pain with me.


End file.
